Uncertainty

21 January 2011

The gospel for today is one that is very familiar to me. From Mark 3:13-19, Jesus summons his 12 apostles, and they all followed Him. I reflected on the gospel, imagining myself there, contemplating on the possibility of being called by Jesus to be one of His apostles. And then the totally unexpected happened. I was uncertain… as to whether I wanted to be one!

My heart was in total confusion. How many times have I in the past thought that what a privilege it would have been to have seen Jesus in person, let alone be called to be one of His apostles. I remember reflecting many times how awesome it would have been to personally witness scenes like the nativity, the Sermon on the Mount, the Baptism in the river Jordan, and the Passion of Christ. I envied the Roman soldier whose blood Jesus Christ gushed over. How fortunate was that thief to be told by none other than Jesus, that he would be with God in paradise! Of course I want to be Christ’s apostle, don’t I? So why am I hesitant?

As I reflect further, I realised that the book that I had just recently read about the life of St. Josemaria Escriva has affected me. You would think that entrusted with such an important mission, one that came from God Himself, that St. Josemaria’s life and undertakings would have been a walk in the park. On the contrary, his life was filled with so much suffering, so many obstacles, that a lesser man would have simply given up. St. Josemaria, even before he became a priest, lost 3 younger sisters. His father, having a successful business and being a sort of aristocrat early in his life lost everything. As a result for so many years St. Josemaria lived in poverty.

Even just the revelation of what God wanted St. Josemaria to do, took pain and suffering. And when finally Opus Dei was born, it was not what you would call an overnight hit. It suffered many setbacks, which included lack of commitment from members and financial hardships. Just when things started moving forward and growth was already being planned, civil war erupted and ‘In that instant, the dreams of expanding came to a screeching halt.’

All throughout Volume I: The Early Years, St. Josemaria remains faithful to God. He endured all the obstacles and sufferings that were thrown his way and at times, even asked for more trials in order for the will of God to be accelerated. His perseverance and steadfastness in God is almost impeccable. Truly, he is a Saint.

I guess that the source of my inability to answer the question of whether I would be willing to be an apostle, is fear. How hard would that be? How much pain and persecution would I have to endure? We all know the story of how Jesus suffered and His apostles with Him.  I don’t think I would be able to do it. I am not a saint – I am more like one of those Israelites during Moses’ time that even after seeing the many miracles performed by God, complained in the desert.

But the thing is, there are a Volume II and III in the account of the life of St. Josemaria Escriva. And although I have yet to read it, it would be logical to surmise that God’s will was carried out in the end, that He was indeed faithful to His servant St. Josemaria.

Depending on one's stage in life, some people are living out their own Volumes I, II, or III. And I guess it is particularly in Volume III, where things become clearer, where our state of life would have been revealed to us. At this point, our raison d'etre would be understood. For those who are already at Volume III, praise to God! God's plan has already been made known to you!

For me, I am still at Volume I. But I am confident and I look forward to God eventually revealing His plan for me. One day, I will be able to live out my own Volume II and III and by God’s grace, it will be Spirit filled! In the meantime, I pray for the faith to be able to conquer whatever fears I might have now. Lord, make me your apostle. I want to follow you.