The Gift of Life

Growing up with just one brother, I was always envious of my cousins who had big families. 4, 5, 6 children - It was something that I would never have in my own family. Years later, I asked my parents why they only had 2 children. They told me that they were controlling after my brother was born. But even when they weren't, another child just never came.

When I met my girlfriend (the person I was destined to marry), even she had 5 other siblings! Because of these circumstances, I wanted to have a big family! 6 children at the very least! Unfortunately, my wife only wanted 2 kids. What an impasse! But after much discussion with my wife, we eventually agreed on having 4. 

Our third child was born almost 7 years ago and I have to say that my wife was very good at 'delaying' the conception of our 4th child. It came to the point that it started to cause some conflict between the two of us. But after arriving in Australia 2 years ago, I slowly began to realise that perhaps it would in fact be more practical to keep things the way they were. It seemed like my wife was right after all.  God has blessed me with three wonderful, loving, and healthy children. How could I complain? Perhaps God changed my mind on the matter on the number of children I desired, much to the delight of my wife. This issue, which was at one time a very sensitive one, was now finally closed.

But apparently, God had a different plan for us. Out of His mercy and love for us, He has seen it fit to entrust us with a 4th child. How great is our God! I thank Him and praise Him for the great gift of life. But what makes this blessing even sweeter is the realisation that as I surrender my life to God, He is now taking control of it.

How to Pray?

Yesterday in front of the Blessed Sacrament I prayed - that I may learn how to pray. It seems that the more I pray, the more I seem to get confused as to how it really is to pray, or how I should be praying. Since I was young, I was taught how to pray using ACTS - Adoration, Contrition, Thanksgiving, and Supplication. And I have used this method for many years successfully. But up until recently, it no longer seems to feel right, at least not entirely - and I can't explain why.

I am aware of verbal prayer, meditation, contemplation, and rapture - I have read about these types of prayers. Over the past 2 weeks, I have tried to learn how to just be quiet in His presence. I visualize myself clinging to Jesus's feet and telling him one thing - "Teach me how to love You, ABOVE ALL." And I also visualize myself bowing before Mama Mary and asking her to "Have pity on me." Doing this has brought me much consolation, but something still seems to be missing.  Perhaps it is just me and my inability to properly focus on God. Or maybe Satan is just using my weaknesses to make me feel as if things aren't working out. Whatever it is, I have to admit that it is causing me much anxiety. But I need to remain steadfast. I know in my heart that if I remain faithful, God will resolve everything for me.  Thank you, my Father. I look forward to the day that you will calm my restless spirit. 

My Happy Place

Many years ago when I was in 1^st year High School in Manila, our religion teacher made us go through an exercise where we would all close our eyes and imagine ourselves in the place that we love the most. It was a really wonderful experience where I found myself in Maplewood, New Jersey in the house of my Uncle and Aunt. Placing myself in their front yard near the driveway, all my senses were tingling as I felt myself breathing the fresh air, enjoying the warmth of the sunlight, the coolness of the breeze, the color of the grass and the trees and the flowers, and of course the smell of Maple wood. I felt serene. 

Throughout the years I have had many ‘happy places’ in New Jersey, Manila, West Covina, Ann Arbor, and Sydney. But my Uncle’s house in Maplewood seems to have always stood out above the rest. That is, until today.

This morning I was sitting quietly trying to just be with God. I prayed to God to help me learn how to meditate and just be with Him. More specifically, I asked God to help me learn how to pray to the Blessed Sacrament. I then imagined myself in front of the Blessed Sacrament in my parish here in Stanhope Gardens. IMMEDIATELY, I felt all of my senses tingling in the same way that happened before when I would think of Maplewood. Once again, I felt the serenity and tranquility but now, the place was in a different country thousands of miles away from New Jersey.

I smiled, and my heart was filled with peace. I have a new happy place.

Forgiven

At mass this morning I received a spiritual comfort from God. As my eyes were closed, I heard a voice: “Your sins are forgiven, they really are”.

In my mind, I always knew this to be true. But the problem is that I always relied (and still do actually) on how I felt emotionally. Every single day in my prayers, I want to feel God. If I do not get a spiritual high, I feel shortchanged. I know in my mind that this is not possible. And there are many explanations of why this cannot happen every single time. I talked to a priest recently about the dryness that I experience in my prayers and he said that there is more virtue if you persevere through this dryness. Like many things in life, it is easy to say, to explain away and to think about intellectually. But it is another story when it is actually experienced, and impatience starts to set in. This is how I often feel.

I feel the same way about the forgiveness of my sins. I know that it is the gospel truth that my sins are indeed forgiven. God is a merciful God and His love for us is unbounded. But just the same I feel that it is one thing to understand that truth, but another thing to actually feel forgiven. I go to confession frequently and in my mind, I know that I am truly granted absolution. But somehow, the burden in my heart never seems to be totally lifted.

But how great is the feeling, how awesome it is when God finally reconciles both the mind and the heart! I envy those who are knowledgeable and who are advanced in their spirituality and thus understand many things. But I guess it is just like eating your favorite fruit for the first time. Many people can tell you how good it tastes, or you could read about how good the fruit is.  And you could know it to be true in your mind - but it is only when you take your first bite that you truly know how wonderful it really is.

Spiritual Warfare

Over the past couple of weeks I have been struggling to be faithful to my prayer time. I gave in to laziness, and allowed myself to be distracted by the many concerns that life brings us.

I always thought that if and when I turned over my life to God, and totally surrendered myself to Him, that everything would be a breeze. In the first few weeks of my renewed faith, it was as if I could not stop praying, that I could not get by without it. Prayer became the most important part of my day, the highlight of everything else that happened.

But then the demands of life as we know it started to creep back in my life. The ‘honeymoon stage’ seemed to be over. How fast was that? I cannot believe that after only a few months, it now seems to be such a struggle to even just sit down in front of God to talk to Him. All of a sudden, I don’t seem to have the time anymore, and there is always some pressing issue to take care of.

Once again, my heart was tormented.  Was my renewal just an infatuation? Is this relationship with God going to pass? Can this not be sustained? Are the concerns of life going to suck me back into the way I was before?

Then everything became worse. Guilt and misery set in. What kind of person am I to allow this to happen? Don’t I love God? Where is my faith? What has happened to me? Not only do I not have the time anymore but also it seems that I do not want to pray anymore. It just seems to be too much of a burden.

Different emotions, different excuses, different attacks - ‘You have so much to do, to take care of’, ‘God loves you, so it is okay’, ‘You missed your prayers today, shame on you!!!!’, ‘You are so unfaithful!’, ‘You are not worthy of prayer’, ‘ You are tired’, ‘You cannot be perfect’, ‘Sleep in, you deserve it’. It just goes on and on.

I became confused, frustrated, and restless. I did not know what to do. But by God’s grace, I heard a voice in my head which in spite of all that was going on in my mind, seemed to be elevated above the rest – ‘Stay faithful to your prayers.’

For three straight days I just tried my best. I went back to my prayers. Honestly, I did not expect anything. I was at the point that I believed I could no longer communicate with God properly. So many distractions were going on in my head. I was at the point of almost giving up, but I knew I shouldn't give in. I had to remain steadfast.

And then just like that everything started to make sense again. By the third day of praying the rosary as well as my regular prayers and going to mass, I felt renewed. Once again, I am able to talk to God as I did just a few months ago. Everything seems to be as it was. By God’s grace, I don’t feel separated from Him anymore. All of a sudden I am now rejoicing in Him.

Sometimes I think this is crazy. But I guess this is just part of the way it is supposed to be. Satan is devious, and will stop at nothing to deter us from the right path. He will do every single thing he can do to befuddle us. Prayer is our only refuge.

I have won this battle. But I know that there will be many more to come. It is only with God’s grace that I can overcome Satan’s traps. One battle at a time.