Listening to a Whisper

7 January 2011

12:10 p.m.

Today, as I start my prayer time, I listen to and pray the song “Hosanna”. I have heard this song a countless number of times. But for the first time, for some reason, I am struck and touched by some of the words:

“Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen.

Show me how to love like you have loved me!

Break my heart for what breaks yours,

Everything I am for your kingdom’s cause.

As I walk from earth into eternity….” – Hillsong United

While I am singing and praying to God, I have the sense to once again read the first and only prayer journal entry that I have ever done (on 6 December 2010). As I am reading it, I sense God telling me two things: 1) to continue my prayer journal; and 2) to start a blog.

A few months ago, I got the sense that I was supposed to be starting a blog. But when I started checking out the existing blogs on the net, I immediately became overwhelmed. How intimidating! Clearly, many of the existing bloggers are intelligent, coherent and well versed in the Catholic faith. Simply put, these bloggers know what they are talking about. After reading a few, I could see that I was not even in a position to comment, talk about, or even defend my faith on certain (actually many) issues. What could I possibly have to share, or say? What if somebody challenged me on issues that I was not even aware of?

But clearly, I could hear a whisper into my ear…. ‘My Prayer Journal’. Hence, I found myself on somebody’s blog and in the top-right corner, I clicked on ‘create blog.’ I followed the instructions and it was done. So now, what do I do?

As I once again close my eyes and pray, I reflect on the lyrics of the song above.  I have been a lukewarm catholic for more than 20 years. Throughout my life, I have always known that I should be turning over my life to Him. However, I always kept God at a distance, afraid that I would not be able to ‘Live my Life.’ I would pray fervently during times of need. And then forget, as if nothing ever happened. I can remember on at least 3 occasions where I needed something badly, and I made a promise to the Lord that if granted, this would be it – that I would turn myself over to Him. Unfortunately, I reneged on my promise.

But over the past 6 months, I have had the opportunity to really understand (on a personal level) that I should not be wasting anymore time. I prayed to God for divine intervention, as I knew that I could not do it on my own. Finally (at least I think that this is it), at the age of 40, I find myself overwhelmed because God has called me by name. He has told me that it is now time. AND He has given me the grace to  accept His invitation. Being a Catholic is hard. It seems that there are just so many rules (in my limited knowledge, this is how I see it). But by God’s grace, I am finally beginning to see the light. It didn’t take a life-changing event (or did it?). In my case, it took prayer- constant prayer. Everyday, I asked God for the grace to help me to change my life, to once and for all enable me to turn it over to Him. Many days I prayed, not really knowing if my prayers would be answered. Nevertheless, I tried my best to submit myself to Him, holding onto whatever faith I had left in me.

Upon reflection, of course I guess that there were some things that I needed from Him. But at the same time, I also realised that I needed to stop coming to Him only when I needed something. Although filled with doubt, I yearned for Him to change me. I asked God to help me to understand. Not (I believe) because I was confused – but simply because I wanted to have a real, serious, and personal relationship with Him. Maybe it was the years of growing up in a community, but I knew that I needed/wanted to be reconciled with God. I did NOT want to wait until I was too old, or until it was too late. I wanted to be one with God. I wanted everything that I did to be pleasing to Him. I wanted to reach the point where I really LOVED God simply because HE is such a merciful and wonderful God. I wanted my love for God to totally and unequivocally overwhelm my fear of going to hell (which was what always scared me before, I have to admit).

Now that I believe that I am on the right track, I do not want to let go, I do not want to get lost. I always thought that once God touched my heart, it would be smooth sailing from thereon. However, it is apparent to me (based on my experience over the past 6 months) that that is not the case. I have much to learn. But suffice it to say for now, that I LOVE GOD, and it feels so good to say it, to feel it, and to live it.