Thursday, January 27, 2011

An Answered Prayer


27 January 2011

Three days ago, I received adverse news to one of the things that I was praying for to God. I was stunned. My initial reaction was to say that everything is going to be okay, that God will take care of everything. I was proud of myself, because I felt that I had faith in God. But as the hours started passing by, I became weary and burdened. I found it very difficult to sleep that night and I yearned out to God to help me to feel better the following day.
When I woke up, it was still with a heavy heart. I knew everything in my mind was right: That God knows what is best, that perhaps it is not yet time, that I just have to trust in Him. But it did not make my yoke feel any lighter.
I desperately prayed that morning, searching for answers, asking God for consolation. I thanked God for every single blessing that I had received – normally during times of troughs, this would always pick me up. But today, it wasn’t happening, I wasn’t feeling any better.
I looked for answers in the Compendium of the Catechism of the Catholic Church and my attention was brought to ‘The Battle of Prayer’.

575. How may we strengthen our filial trust?
2734-2741
2756
‘Filial trust is tested when we think we are not heard. We must therefore ask ourselves if we think God is truly a Father whose will we seek to fulfill, or simply a means to obtain what we want. If our prayer is united to that of Jesus, we know that he gives us much more than this or that gift. We receive the Holy Spirit who transforms our heart.

I knew that I had to depend on God, fully. I knew I had to surrender myself to Him, totally. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to come to me. But for the first time in months, I felt a creeping doubt that consolation was to come. After my prayers, nothing much changed.
Throughout the rest of the day, I was experiencing much of the same dryness. I felt separated from God. And my torment was made worse by the guilt that I was experiencing because of my lack of faith. Is this how I am supposed to react to an unanswered prayer? Shame on me!
And then suddenly, it just happened. It was like my whole body and spirit was filled with peace. It happened at the gym and I wasn’t even praying. Abruptly, my heavy heart was lifted up. Unexpectedly, my concern did not even matter at all. All that was important was to be in union with God. I couldn’t explain it, but I just felt complete trust and faith in God.
My petition is not necessarily lost at this point in time because it could still possibly be resolved in my favor. But it doesn’t matter anymore. Regardless of the final outcome, I know that God has a plan for me, and He has awesome things in store! I thank God for allowing me the grace to trust in Him completely. Thank you God for sending me your Holy Spirit. Thank you for answering my prayer.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Uncertainty


21 January 2011

The gospel for today is one that is very familiar to me. From Mark 3:13-19, Jesus summons his 12 apostles, and they all followed Him. I reflected on the gospel, imagining myself there, contemplating on the possibility of being called by Jesus to be one of His apostles. And then the totally unexpected happened. I was uncertain… as to whether I wanted to be one!
My heart was in total confusion. How many times have I in the past thought that what a privilege it would have been to have seen Jesus in person, let alone be called to be one of His apostles. I remember reflecting many times how awesome it would have been to personally witness scenes like the nativity, the Sermon on the Mount, the Baptism in the river Jordan, and the Passion of Christ. I envied the Roman soldier whose blood Jesus Christ gushed over. How fortunate was that thief to be told by none other than Jesus, that he would be with God in paradise! Of course I want to be Christ’s apostle, don’t I? So why am I hesitant?
As I reflect further, I realised that the book that I had just recently read about the life of St. Josemaria Escriva has affected me. You would think that entrusted with such an important mission, one that came from God Himself, that St. Josemaria’s life and undertakings would have been a walk in the park. On the contrary, his life was filled with so much suffering, so many obstacles, that a lesser man would have simply given up. St. Josemaria, even before he became a priest, lost 3 younger sisters. His father, having a successful business and being a sort of aristocrat early in his life lost everything. As a result for so many years St. Josemaria lived in poverty.
Even just the revelation of what God wanted St. Josemaria to do, took pain and suffering. And when finally Opus Dei was born, it was not what you would call an overnight hit. It suffered many setbacks, which included lack of commitment from members and financial hardships. Just when things started moving forward and growth was already being planned, civil war erupted and ‘In that instant, the dreams of expanding came to a screeching halt.’
All throughout Volume I: The Early Years, St. Josemaria remains faithful to God. He endured all the obstacles and sufferings that were thrown his way and at times, even asked for more trials in order for the will of God to be accelerated. His perseverance and steadfastness in God is almost impeccable. Truly, he is a Saint.
I guess that the source of my inability to answer the question of whether I would be willing to be an apostle, is fear. How hard would that be? How much pain and persecution would I have to endure? We all know the story of how Jesus suffered and His apostles with Him.  I don’t think I would be able to do it. I am not a saint – I am more like one of those Israelites during Moses’ time that even after seeing the many miracles performed by God, complained in the desert.
But the thing is, there are a Volume II and III in the account of the life of St. Josemaria Escriva. And although I have yet to read it, it would be logical to surmise that God’s will was carried out in the end, that He was indeed faithful to His servant St. Josemaria.
Depending on one's stage in life, some people are living out their own Volumes I, II, or III. And I guess it is particularly in Volume III, where things become clearer, where our state of life would have been revealed to us. At this point, our raison d'etre would be understood. For those who are already at Volume III, praise to God! God's plan has already been made known to you!
For me, I am still at Volume I. But I am confident and I look forward to God eventually revealing His plan for me. One day, I will be able to live out my own Volume II and III and by God’s grace, it will be Spirit filled! In the meantime, I pray for the faith to be able to conquer whatever fears I might have now. Lord, make me your apostle. I want to follow you.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Leaving


19 January 2011

It has been almost 2 years since I left the ones I love, the people who have been a part of my life. Filled with optimism and God’s love, I took a leap of faith, knowing that it was His will. Remembering how I felt at the time, I was overflowing with exhilaration and anticipation of what was to come. But at the same time, my heart was broken because I was to be separated from everything that I loved.
I gave up things that I had thought I never would. I left the security of what I had, of the things that God allowed me to have. I followed my discernment, what I believed God wanted me to do.
As I reflect on what I left behind, I cannot help but be overwhelmed by the love, friendships, and relationships that have impacted on my life. So many lives that has touched me and will forever be in my heart.
Everything I remember, I remember fondly. Whatever hardships were experienced simply made me stronger. But the joys, oh the joys! Laughter, sorrow, love, peace, and harmony - Truly, God has filled my life with wonderful memories.
Whatever the future brings, I cannot stop thanking God for His unwavering love for me. Even when I was deaf to His voice, He took care of me. He has been faithful to me even when I cared not. He has always been in my life, even when I was not aware of His existence.
What kind of Father shows this kind of love? The love that can never be broken, can never be shattered.  This is my God. In all my life, I have never felt as contented as I do now.
One day I will see you again. But for now, I follow Him, to wherever He leads me.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

An Answer to My Prayer?


18 January 2010
Is this the answer to my prayer? After pouring my heart out to God only last night. Is this how fast God is responding to my plea? The readings for the day are right on the mark. From Hebrews 6:10 - ‘For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love you have demonstrated for his name by having served and continuing to serve the holy ones.’ And from Hebrews 6:11 – ‘….I will indeed bless you and multiply you.’
God, how I want this to be your answer to me! I love you and I adore you so much. But why am I still uncertain? I believe that You are speaking to me. I believe that You are smiling down upon me. But why is my spirit tormented? Why do I not seem to believe? Where is my faith when it counts the most?
I remember when I was very young and our religion teacher asked us to identify who among the apostles had some form of impact on us. Without really thinking, I felt that Thomas was the one who I could relate to. However, I did not know why. All I knew was that I seemed to be having a connection with the apostle Thomas. Later on, I found out what Thomas was most known for – Doubt.
Lord, am I a doubting Thomas? Help me to discern, help me to understand. I want to rejoice at your words. I want to claim my blessing! I want to already say thank you Lord!
I know that I am not worthy. But I also know that You are merciful.
Lord, grant me the grace to be able to understand Your will. And grant me the grace to fully and wholeheartedly submit to whatever Your decision may be.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Surrendering


17 January 2011

I find myself in prayer asking God for one of the biggest blessings that I could ever find myself asking Him for. If my prayer would be granted, I believe that I will be so happy, so fulfilled. And I know that what I am asking for is good, not just for me, but also for my family. It is I believe one of the most honorable things that I have ever asked for in my life. It is something that I believe is neither selfish nor self-centered. It is something that will not only allow me to be a better person, but also in fact (I believe), allow me to serve Him even more.
But I know that in my heart I have to surrender what I want, what I believe that I need, in favor of what He wants for me. It is so hard, so difficult. I want to tell God, ‘Let it be! That I may serve you more.’ And I know that it is true, that I will indeed be able to do as I say.
But what I believe in may not be what God wants from me. How do I accept this? How can I submit wholeheartedly and unequivocally? This is one of the most important petitions that I have ever asked for from God.
I need to find the strength to really allow God to work in my life – to be able to accept what He wants, even if it is not what I am asking for.
My Lord, let your will be done. And please give me the grace to FULLY accept your will, whatever it may be. Whatever happens in my life, should be only for Your greater honor and gory. I submit myself to You, with my faith as my refuge. If it not be Your will, then I ask that it no longer be my heart’s desire.

Living Ordinary Lives


17 January 2011

Over the years, I have heard about ‘The Documents of Vatican II.’ However, I never ever in my life thought that I would bother to read it. Aside from the fact that I felt that I would immediately fall asleep, I believed (without really looking at it) that it would be very intimidating or too difficult to comprehend. I felt it was only to be read by the erudite – not for me.
However, my curiosity got the better of me, so I checked it out. You can find the complete documents at http://www.vatican.va/archive/hist_councils/ii_vatican_council/. If you go to the link, you will see all different kinds of Latin Titles such as Dei Verbum, Lumen Gentium, or Gaudium et Spes. Yes, I agree, it may in fact be daunting. And yes, some of the documents are very long. But there really is a wealth of knowledge that can be learned about our Catholic faith. And, it is not that bad a read.
In Lumen Gentium for instance, it says: For all their works, prayers and apostolic endeavors, their ordinary married and family life, their daily occupations, their physical and mental relaxation, if carried out in the Spirit, and even the hardships of life, if patiently borne—all these become spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.’
How awesome it is to realise that God is pleased with us in our daily sacrifices from our ordinary lives! God is happy with all of our efforts, all of our hardships, and EVERYTHING and ANYTHING we do, for as long as we offer it to Him.
Even the most mundane chores that we do on a daily basis, can be offered as a sacrifice to God. He is delighted with us when we engage in sports, when we work, when we take care of our children, when we read, or even play video games! Just as long as everything is done ‘carried out in the Spirit.’

If reading Lumen Gentium is not your cup of tea, try reading Ordinary Work, Extraordinary Grace: My Spiritual Journey in Opus Dei by Scott Hahn. It is an easy read and the author is engaging, sincere, and loves God intensely.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

If Today You Hear His Voice, Harden not your Hearts


15 January 2011
Last Wednesday (12 January), I was blessed to be able to attend Opus Dei’s first recollection of the year at the Redfield College in Dural, New South Wales. Father Jerry opened up the meditation by saying something like:
‘I am happy and contented with where I am. Why do I need to change?’
This is the question that so many people (including myself), ask every so often. Admittedly, this attitude paralysed me for so many years.
Am I doing anything wrong? I don’t think so. I am a good person. I go to church every Sunday. I believe in God. I do not oppress other people. I enjoy life. Is this a sin? I enjoy sports – surely, there is nothing wrong with that. I am a part of a community – I spend more than enough time with God, going beyond just Sunday mass. I am a responsible provider for my family - isn’t this making good use of my talents? I love my family, and I would die for them – isn’t this the kind of love that God commanded us? God is a merciful God. He would forgive me for any of my other shortcomings, because I am a good person. Isn’t this the gospel truth?
I cannot pretend that I know the answers to these questions. A priest or theologian would definitely be in a better position to give a satisfactory answer. But then again, upon reflection (for me at least), it seems that the root of the problem, this attitude, is in the excessive focus on ‘I’. So where is God in the equation? Is He, in all His majesty and splendour, Creator of the entire universe, not entitled to be a part of our lives?

This leads me to ask more questions. From a business perspective: Is there an ‘I’ in TEAM? From a romantic perspective: To the person who I love more than anything else in the world, the person who makes my heart beat - Is there only an ‘I’ in our relationship? In both cases I would say that the answer is NO.
For any business venture, it is a given that we would do our best to work with our partners in order to ensure success. We would be proactive and implement kaizen (continuous change) in order to establish a profitable business. When we find that one person in the world who takes our breath away, we immerse ourselves in them – we change, for the better, in order to win their heart. From this perspective, perhaps the reason to change becomes a bit clearer.
Father Jerry went on to talk about ‘our interior life’ – pertaining to the mind and soul, our spiritual life if you may. I tie this in to the reading for 13 January 2011 from Hebrews 3:15 – ‘Oh, that today you would hear his voice; Harden not your hearts….’
Jesus delights when we pray to Him, for this is how we are able to experience His love. He wants us to feel His love for us. He wants to be a part of our lives. Jesus is calling us to have an ‘interior life’ with Him through prayer. Let us not be intimidated by what He might have to say. He wants us to know and experience a greater kind of happiness.
Yes, we may not be doing anything wrong in our lives. We may actually be living noble lives. But just like in business and in love, there is always room for improvement. There is always something more that can be done. Jesus is calling us – TODAY. Let us not harden our hearts.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Taking a Moment

12 January 2011

‘Thank you for the cross Lord,
Thank you for the price you paid.
Bearing all my sin and shame, in love you came,
And gave amazing grace.
Thank you for this love Lord,
Thank you for the nail-pierced hands.
Washed me in your cleansing flow, now all I know,
Your forgiveness and embrace.
Worthy is the Lamb, seated on the throne.
I crown you now with many crowns, you reign victorious!
High and lifted up, Jesus son of God.
The darling of heaven crucified, Worthy is the Lamb.’ - Hillsong



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AR4CCLnmf1Q

The first time I heard this song, I wept. I was overwhelmed, and my hands were shaking uncontrollably. I felt so many emotions rushing through me – love, guilt, peace, sorrow, gratitude, despair, courage, pain. Amidst all of this, I felt the Holy Spirit embracing me, telling me that everything was going to be okay.

We all know what Jesus did for us. He died for us on the cross, in order to liberate us from our sins. But it wasn’t just a simple case of giving up His life, HE SUFFERED FOR OUR SINS in the most agonising way. I would think that a lot of us have watched the movie ‘Passion of the Christ.’ And needless to say, Jesus’ suffering is/was beyond perhaps anything that anyone of us would be capable of or willing to endure.

But wait! Didn’t Jesus’ story happen 2000 years ago? Aren’t times different now? We have so many pressing concerns, so many problems and sources of anxiety. There isn’t enough time in the day! We need to eat, to earn a living, to attend to our daily needs. I have to do well at my job! Surely, Jesus would understand that we have responsibilities, wouldn’t He? Time is of the essence, and we have very little of it.

All of us have our own personal circumstances. We might be a politician, businessman, CEO, housewife, student, celebrity, artist, investment banker, engineer, doctor, electrician, plumber, teacher, employee, etc. Or we might even be unemployed or underemployed. Some have it easier than others. But regardless of what we do, where we are, and the level of belief we have – we cannot deny what Jesus did for us. He died for each and every one of us – bar none. In one way or another at different levels, the story of Jesus has impacted on our lives. In our hearts, we have felt his love.

For many years I knew this truth. Sad to say, I always set it aside - for future reference. I spent the last 20 years building my career, expanding my business. At one point, I had almost 400 employees on my payroll. Nothing was more important than the business! And as the business expanded, more and more responsibility poured in. Add to this my passion for sports, and I really ended up having very little time for anything else.

But God had a plan for me. I was/have been a member of a community for the past 29 years. As I said in one of my former blogs, one of the biggest reasons why I never left my community (even when I had a choice) was because I KNEW deep in my heart that I would EVENTUALLY have to turn my life over to Him. I knew that Jesus suffered for our sins, for a reason. And I knew that one day, I would have to heed His call. This is also why throughout the past 29 years, I always found a way to do something for God albeit in very small amounts/doses. Many were fleeting gestures done on a day-to-day basis, and when I reflect on these, I realise how inadequate these actions were. But I also realise NOW how nothing we can do would ever go to waste! It may come sooner or later (better sooner!), but eventually, those small actions/deeds will come around with a vengeance. In my case, by God’s grace, after so many years, I have now totally and unequivocally dedicated my life to Him.

Take a moment. It could be just a few seconds or minutes each day. Take a PAUSE. We know what Jesus did for us. Our day would not be crippled if we took a few moments each day to do something for God. Think about Him, thank Him, or do whatever your heart leads you to do. Make sure to go to mass every Sunday. Go to confession. Make a small sacrifice in honor of what He did for us – each day. Do whatever you feel like doing – for Him, everyday.

And Jesus will smile upon you. It may happen today or tomorrow, or it may have already happened. And when you feel the radiance and warmth of God’s smile, you will end up wanting more and more and more. Jesus died on the cross for a reason – in order for each and every one of us to be with Him in paradise. Remember, that Jesus wants all of us with Him in Heaven. Take a moment each day, everyday. With God, nothing goes to waste.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Sacrament of Reconciliation


9 January 2011
5:30 p.m.


Today was my first day for the year that I was able to once again sing with my choir group at the 10:30 a.m. Sunday mass at our parish, Blessed John XXIII in Stanhope Gardens. As I went on a week-long vacation to the Gold Coast, I missed out on the New Year services as well as the first Sunday in Ordinary Time. I have to say, it felt good singing to God, while celebrating in the Eucharist.

Our parish priest, Father David Hume gave an inspiring homily, starting off with talking about the gospel from Matthew 3:13-17 (The Baptism of Jesus by John the Baptist). He talked about his experience baptising an infant who was born 30-days premature and thus, the size of his palm. In order to baptise the child, he had to use an eyedropper to put holy water over the head of the baby. For a while, I was afraid that the story might have an unhappy ending, but luckily he said that the baby had grown up already and is healthy (I am not sure if he mentioned the present age though).

Father Dave then went on to tie together the meanings of some of the different sacraments, ending with reconciliation. Father Dave admitted that there was a time (I think he meant in the year 2010) where he went 6 months without going to his confessor. He then made a commitment in front of everybody to go to confession at least once a month, and encouraged everybody to do the same.

I have a confession to make. Over the last 29 years, I have been to confession not even an average of once a year. And if I were to be very frank, I would go out of my way to go to confession usually right before taking a trip on a plane.  As I would travel on the average every 2-3 years, then you can surmise how often I went to confession. I remember one of my best friends (Felipe) asking me one advent season (I forget what year) whether I was able to go to confession already. I merely shrugged and said ‘not yet.’ But at the back of my mind, I really didn’t intend to go anyway, but my friend didn’t need to know that.

Why would I not go to confession? It is NOT because I did not believe in the sacrament – I really DID BELIEVE that for my sins to be forgiven, that I would have to verbalise them to a priest. But the thing is, I grew tired of confessing the same sins over and over again until I just stopped.  In a way, I created my own practice by asking for forgiveness directly from God, thinking and hoping that in his infinite mercy, He would forgive me. I am not here to debate on whether God does or does not forgive sins absent the sacrament of reconciliation.  But I am here to witness and to testify, that the sacrament of reconciliation combined with perfect contrition, and a firm resolve to do better, by the grace of God can indeed be liberating.

I was asked many years ago in a ‘Days with the Lord’ retreat back in Manila – ‘Why do I need to confess if I know that I will commit the sin again?’ In textbook style, I answered that it is to give you the grace to overcome whatever sin (whether venial or mortal) was committed. In my mind I knew that was true, but I never really practiced it.

On December 9, 2010, I was attending an Opus Dei recollection. For many weeks previous to this day, I was preparing to go to confession (trying to) by making an examination of conscience. There were already a few opportunities to go to confession previous to this day, but I always chickened out. Now, here I was a few more weeks before Christmas, and I really felt God prodding me, telling me to ‘GO.’ Still, I was afraid and as a result, I was not really able to listen to the teachings of the priest. I kept on looking at the line of confession and in a way was hoping that it would stay long, once again giving me some form of excuse. I WAS NOT READY – MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME. But then at the back of my head a voice was saying ‘GO.’

In the end I did go. I was really afraid of being scolded as it had been 2 years since my last confession. Not even having uttered a word, I started to cry inside the confessional. I immediately told the priest that it had been so long since my last confession. With those words uttered, I cringed, expecting an outburst. But what the priest said filled me with hope, peace, and tranquility. He said, ‘Welcome back my son.’

I had the opportunity to go again to confession on the 23rd of December, 2010. I had read in THE FAITH EXPLAINED (by Fr. Leo Trese) that frequently going to confession (even as often as once a week) gives us the grace to be able to not only be one with God, but gives us the power and strength to battle whatever weaknesses we may have. For the first time that I can ever remember in my 40 years of life, I was prepared for the celebration of the Birth of Jesus our God.

Father Dave ended his homily by saying that it is his duty to ensure that we are able to receive the sacrament of confession. He said that anyone who would want to go to confession, to simply approach him after every mass, anytime of the week, by appointment, or during the regular schedule every Saturdays. Thank you Father Dave!

To all my friends and family, I urge you to go to confession – frequently. It only takes less than 5 minutes, but once done can form into a habit. Forming a good habit will help you break bad habits. If you don’t have any bad habits, it will still fill you with God’s grace. What have you got to lose?

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Abiding in Him – Deepening Our Relationship with Christ


8 January 2011
11:19 p.m.
John 15:1-8
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch of mine that bears no fruit, he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. You are already made clean by the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If a man does not abide in me, he is cast forth as a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you will, and it shall be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be my disciples.”

Today was a special ‘Men’s Day of Prayer’ with my community group (God’s Light) here in Sydney, Australia. We met at the Mt. Schoenstatt Spirituality Centre in the Penrith area of New South Wales. Paolo (one of our leaders) opened up with an inspiring exhortation to lead our group. He said that there is a difference between Believing in God, and Surrendering to God.  I just have to say that this was a perfect insight to meditate on, and immediately I saw how this simple exhortation was in fact the story of my spiritual life.

As I said in my previous blog, I have been a lukewarm catholic for the past 20 years. Actually, it is more like the past 29 years. Since I was 11, I have had the opportunity to be a part of a community group named ‘Ang Ligaya ng Panginoon (Joy of the Lord).’ Because my parents were very active, I was (by default) a member of the Children’s Formation, the Young Adults, and then eventually as a college student in the University District. These years were surprisingly, some of my most memorable. Yes, I was happy to be a member of a community that loved God, but mostly (I have to admit) I enjoyed being a part of the community because there were just so many pretty girls! Needless to say, I was not necessarily active for the right reasons. Nevertheless, I stayed on in community even when most of my friends were already gone because deep down inside, I knew that I needed it.

Which brings me back to the difference between ‘Believing in God’ and ‘Surrendering to God.’ Why did I say that this is the story of my life? Simply because I have always believed in God, ever since I can remember – my parents made sure of that. But never in my life have I ever SURRENDERED TO HIM, until now.

There is another reason why I stayed with my community even when I had a choice to leave. As quoted from the above passage from John: ‘Every branch of mine that bears no fruit, he takes away’, and ‘if a man does not abide in me, he is cast forth as a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire and burned.’ I was so afraid, no petrified, of the possibility of going to hell. I wanted to live my life, to enjoy it – and I did – for almost 3 decades. But since I believed in God, I knew that He probably was not happy with me. Which is why I hung on to my community- because I knew deep down in my heart, that I had to change eventually. And staying with my community was (I believed) my only hope. Did I want to actually change? I’ll be honest – I think I was enjoying life way too much to not really want to change.  But the question is, was I happy? Perhaps as happy as anyone can be deriving whatever happiness can be had from temporary things, possessions, and what have you.

My cousin Aly responded to one of my blogs and quoted John 4:11-18. I quote from verse 13-14: ‘Jesus answered and said to her, Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again; but whoever drinks the water I shall give will never thirst; the water I shall give will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.’  So, was I happy? Yes, in the wordly sense. BUT I WAS ALWAYS THIRSTY.

To all of my former pastoral leaders, coordinators, members in my group, my parents, my brother, my wife, my children, my relatives and my best friends, FINALLY, I HAVE SURRENDERED MY LIFE TO GOD. Thank you for the seeds that you have planted starting 29 years ago. I am happy and overwhelmed to let you know that what you have done for me has not gone to waste. By God’s grace, I will bear fruit. And as my other cousin (Karla) said, ‘we need to stay on track and keep our eye on the prize.’ My brothers and sisters, how wonderful would it be for us to be with our God in heaven, to no longer thirst? Isn’t it a no-brainer? Surrender yourself to Him!

Friday, January 7, 2011

A Pleasant Surprise


6 DECEMBER 2010
As I showered this morning, preparing to bring the children to school, I got a very strong sense from the Lord to go to the church at my parish today.  Initially, my reaction was that since there is no mass (during Mondays), why would I need to go to church? And then the Lord told me that “I have something for you…” Still, I resisted because I felt that whatever God wanted to tell me or to give to me, I would still be able to experience it during my prayer time here at home. Furthermore, I was a bit concerned about my gas, since I was running a little low on it already.
However, after my shower, I was further convicted in that I sensed the Lord telling me, “Why worry about your gas? – Just Go.” As usual, I was trying to second-guess what God was going to give me or tell me this morning. I then thought that God wanted me to go to confession. However, since I did not know the schedule of confession, I wasn’t sure whether confession was the reason why God wanted me to go to mass. Nevertheless, I decided to go to my parish church right after bringing the kids to school. In the end, I figured that God just wanted me to visit the Blessed Sacrament.
After dropping off the kids at school, I wasn’t even really rushing as I usually do in order to make the 9:00 a.m. mass. To my surprise, when I passed by the church going to the parking lot, I saw a lot of people inside. I thought maybe that there was some special event or something. How would I be able to pray if there was something going on in the church?
And then when I was already inside, it became apparent to me that Mass was going to be celebrated – and I was there right before it was going to start! Immediately, I felt Jesus smiling down upon me telling me that this was His surprise – I would be able to celebrate the Eucharist today! What a wonderful surprise! Ever since I got here to Australia, I have always known (or thought) that mass is not celebrated on Mondays as this is usually the day that is reserved for the “day off” of the priests. But here I was, starting the week off in the most perfect way by being able to go to mass.
Throughout the mass, it occurred to me that the Lord had answered one of my prayers just a few months ago. Ever since I started experiencing a renewal in my faith with our Lord (starting approximately August of this year), I have been able to have such wonderful experiences during my prayer time. However, I was reflecting on remembering how just a few months ago, I was telling God that for some reason, I do not seem to really appreciate the mass just yet. For whatever reason it was, I did not seem to experience Jesus as I do during my personal prayer time. And now that I am reflecting on it, I don’t think that I specifically prayed for the grace to be able to understand and more fully appreciate the celebration of the Eucharist. I just remember that I couldn’t really understand why I didn’t CELEBRATE as I should be.
Over the past week, I had finished two books –THE FAITH EXPLAINED and ROME SWEET HOME. By reading these books, I have come to a deeper appreciation of the Catholic Faith. And in connection with my experience today, I was given the grace to be able to understand and inculcate in my heart, mind and soul the joy that emanates from celebrating the Eucharist, from being one with God. Mass is a sacrifice – the only sacrifice that is worthy in the eyes of God. Unlike in the Old Testament, where the prophets and people would make animal sacrifices – these were never enough in the eyes of God. My understanding now of the mass (without my even realising it), is how much the Lord revels in his people celebrating (making a sacrifice) with/for Him.
Furthermore, it is now very apparent to me and it has reached the point that I am now overwhelmed at the opportunity to receive Jesus' body, to be one with Him – my Lord, Saviour and Messiah. What a great gift to start off the week!

Listening to a Whisper


7 January 2011
12:10 p.m.

Today, as I start my prayer time, I listen to and pray the song “Hosanna”. I have heard this song a countless number of times. But for the first time, for some reason, I am struck and touched by some of the words:
“Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like you have loved me!
Break my heart for what breaks yours,
Everything I am for your kingdom’s cause.
As I walk from earth into eternity….” – Hillsong United

While I am singing and praying to God, I have the sense to once again read the first and only prayer journal entry that I have ever done (on 6 December 2010). As I am reading it, I sense God telling me two things: 1) to continue my prayer journal; and 2) to start a blog.

A few months ago, I got the sense that I was supposed to be starting a blog. But when I started checking out the existing blogs on the net, I immediately became overwhelmed. How intimidating! Clearly, many of the existing bloggers are intelligent, coherent and well versed in the Catholic faith. Simply put, these bloggers know what they are talking about. After reading a few, I could see that I was not even in a position to comment, talk about, or even defend my faith on certain (actually many) issues. What could I possibly have to share, or say? What if somebody challenged me on issues that I was not even aware of?

But clearly, I could hear a whisper into my ear…. ‘My Prayer Journal’. Hence, I found myself on somebody’s blog and in the top-right corner, I clicked on ‘create blog.’ I followed the instructions and it was done. So now, what do I do?

As I once again close my eyes and pray, I reflect on the lyrics of the song above.  I have been a lukewarm catholic for more than 20 years. Throughout my life, I have always known that I should be turning over my life to Him. However, I always kept God at a distance, afraid that I would not be able to ‘Live my Life.’ I would pray fervently during times of need. And then forget, as if nothing ever happened. I can remember on at least 3 occasions where I needed something badly, and I made a promise to the Lord that if granted, this would be it – that I would turn myself over to Him. Unfortunately, I reneged on my promise.

But over the past 6 months, I have had the opportunity to really understand (on a personal level) that I should not be wasting anymore time. I prayed to God for divine intervention, as I knew that I could not do it on my own. Finally (at least I think that this is it), at the age of 40, I find myself overwhelmed because God has called me by name. He has told me that it is now time. AND He has given me the grace to  accept His invitation. Being a Catholic is hard. It seems that there are just so many rules (in my limited knowledge, this is how I see it). But by God’s grace, I am finally beginning to see the light. It didn’t take a life-changing event (or did it?). In my case, it took prayer- constant prayer. Everyday, I asked God for the grace to help me to change my life, to once and for all enable me to turn it over to Him. Many days I prayed, not really knowing if my prayers would be answered. Nevertheless, I tried my best to submit myself to Him, holding onto whatever faith I had left in me.

Upon reflection, of course I guess that there were some things that I needed from Him. But at the same time, I also realised that I needed to stop coming to Him only when I needed something. Although filled with doubt, I yearned for Him to change me. I asked God to help me to understand. Not (I believe) because I was confused – but simply because I wanted to have a real, serious, and personal relationship with Him. Maybe it was the years of growing up in a community, but I knew that I needed/wanted to be reconciled with God. I did NOT want to wait until I was too old, or until it was too late. I wanted to be one with God. I wanted everything that I did to be pleasing to Him. I wanted to reach the point where I really LOVED God simply because HE is such a merciful and wonderful God. I wanted my love for God to totally and unequivocally overwhelm my fear of going to hell (which was what always scared me before, I have to admit).

Now that I believe that I am on the right track, I do not want to let go, I do not want to get lost. I always thought that once God touched my heart, it would be smooth sailing from thereon. However, it is apparent to me (based on my experience over the past 6 months) that that is not the case. I have much to learn. But suffice it to say for now, that I LOVE GOD, and it feels so good to say it, to feel it, and to live it.