Spiritual Warfare

Over the past couple of weeks I have been struggling to be faithful to my prayer time. I gave in to laziness, and allowed myself to be distracted by the many concerns that life brings us.

I always thought that if and when I turned over my life to God, and totally surrendered myself to Him, that everything would be a breeze. In the first few weeks of my renewed faith, it was as if I could not stop praying, that I could not get by without it. Prayer became the most important part of my day, the highlight of everything else that happened.

But then the demands of life as we know it started to creep back in my life. The ‘honeymoon stage’ seemed to be over. How fast was that? I cannot believe that after only a few months, it now seems to be such a struggle to even just sit down in front of God to talk to Him. All of a sudden, I don’t seem to have the time anymore, and there is always some pressing issue to take care of.

Once again, my heart was tormented.  Was my renewal just an infatuation? Is this relationship with God going to pass? Can this not be sustained? Are the concerns of life going to suck me back into the way I was before?

Then everything became worse. Guilt and misery set in. What kind of person am I to allow this to happen? Don’t I love God? Where is my faith? What has happened to me? Not only do I not have the time anymore but also it seems that I do not want to pray anymore. It just seems to be too much of a burden.

Different emotions, different excuses, different attacks - ‘You have so much to do, to take care of’, ‘God loves you, so it is okay’, ‘You missed your prayers today, shame on you!!!!’, ‘You are so unfaithful!’, ‘You are not worthy of prayer’, ‘ You are tired’, ‘You cannot be perfect’, ‘Sleep in, you deserve it’. It just goes on and on.

I became confused, frustrated, and restless. I did not know what to do. But by God’s grace, I heard a voice in my head which in spite of all that was going on in my mind, seemed to be elevated above the rest – ‘Stay faithful to your prayers.’

For three straight days I just tried my best. I went back to my prayers. Honestly, I did not expect anything. I was at the point that I believed I could no longer communicate with God properly. So many distractions were going on in my head. I was at the point of almost giving up, but I knew I shouldn't give in. I had to remain steadfast.

And then just like that everything started to make sense again. By the third day of praying the rosary as well as my regular prayers and going to mass, I felt renewed. Once again, I am able to talk to God as I did just a few months ago. Everything seems to be as it was. By God’s grace, I don’t feel separated from Him anymore. All of a sudden I am now rejoicing in Him.

Sometimes I think this is crazy. But I guess this is just part of the way it is supposed to be. Satan is devious, and will stop at nothing to deter us from the right path. He will do every single thing he can do to befuddle us. Prayer is our only refuge.

I have won this battle. But I know that there will be many more to come. It is only with God’s grace that I can overcome Satan’s traps. One battle at a time.