Forgiven

At mass this morning I received a spiritual comfort from God. As my eyes were closed, I heard a voice: “Your sins are forgiven, they really are”.

In my mind, I always knew this to be true. But the problem is that I always relied (and still do actually) on how I felt emotionally. Every single day in my prayers, I want to feel God. If I do not get a spiritual high, I feel shortchanged. I know in my mind that this is not possible. And there are many explanations of why this cannot happen every single time. I talked to a priest recently about the dryness that I experience in my prayers and he said that there is more virtue if you persevere through this dryness. Like many things in life, it is easy to say, to explain away and to think about intellectually. But it is another story when it is actually experienced, and impatience starts to set in. This is how I often feel.

I feel the same way about the forgiveness of my sins. I know that it is the gospel truth that my sins are indeed forgiven. God is a merciful God and His love for us is unbounded. But just the same I feel that it is one thing to understand that truth, but another thing to actually feel forgiven. I go to confession frequently and in my mind, I know that I am truly granted absolution. But somehow, the burden in my heart never seems to be totally lifted.

But how great is the feeling, how awesome it is when God finally reconciles both the mind and the heart! I envy those who are knowledgeable and who are advanced in their spirituality and thus understand many things. But I guess it is just like eating your favorite fruit for the first time. Many people can tell you how good it tastes, or you could read about how good the fruit is.  And you could know it to be true in your mind - but it is only when you take your first bite that you truly know how wonderful it really is.