Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Ghosts of the Past

This day exactly 3 weeks ago, I was angry. Ghosts of the past came back to haunt me with a vengeance. Being more spiritually aware, I knew that this was the work of the evil one. But that did not stop me from feeling bitter, resentful, and even hatred. What happened in the next few days was totally unexpected. I turned to God and asked for the intercession of Mama Mary. But I just kept on falling further and deeper into an abyss. My entire spiritual foundation came crumbling down, and I was ready to abandon my faith.

During this time everything seemed surreal - I knew that what I was doing was simply allowing myself to succumb to the snares of the devil. But at the same time, the anger and hatred overcame me that I did not even seem to care. I felt abandoned by God because through it all - I was praying but nothing was happening. I felt that this was the time that some sort of miracle would happen and I would experience divine intervention that would wash away all of the negative feelings. But my heart and spirit were still angry.

I was ready to give up on our Lord, because I felt neither consolation nor comfort. I was feeling that perhaps during these times, we really are left to fend for ourselves. I went to confession seeking spiritual advice, but even that for the first time didn't seem to work.

Thankfully and by the Lord's grace and power, I was able to overcome what would have been a major stumbling block in my life and in the life of my family. Prayer kept me afloat. Someway, somehow I just refused to stop praying. Upon reflection, Jesus was indeed with me throughout the entire ordeal. Clearly He was there, but just not in the big miraculous "Angels coming down from heaven" sort of way that I wanted/ expected.

God is so merciful and He intervened in small and concrete ways that kept me on the right path. I have to admit that I am still a bit confused as to why He allowed this to happen. I feel as if I have been in a war and came out battle scarred. But I guess the important thing is that I survived. He honored my prayer to never let me go astray, ever again. And all I can do is to continue to walk in faith, learning to trust and to love God above all else, and fighting the good fight!

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