Ghosts of the Past

This day exactly 3 weeks ago, I was angry. Ghosts of the past came back to haunt me with a vengeance. Being more spiritually aware, I knew that this was the work of the evil one. But that did not stop me from feeling bitter, resentful, and even hatred. What happened in the next few days was totally unexpected. I turned to God and asked for the intercession of Mama Mary. But I just kept on falling further and deeper into an abyss. My entire spiritual foundation came crumbling down, and I was ready to abandon my faith.

During this time everything seemed surreal - I knew that what I was doing was simply allowing myself to succumb to the snares of the devil. But at the same time, the anger and hatred overcame me that I did not even seem to care. I felt abandoned by God because through it all - I was praying but nothing was happening. I felt that this was the time that some sort of miracle would happen and I would experience divine intervention that would wash away all of the negative feelings. But my heart and spirit were still angry.

I was ready to give up on our Lord, because I felt neither consolation nor comfort. I was feeling that perhaps during these times, we really are left to fend for ourselves. I went to confession seeking spiritual advice, but even that for the first time didn't seem to work.

Thankfully and by the Lord's grace and power, I was able to overcome what would have been a major stumbling block in my life and in the life of my family. Prayer kept me afloat. Someway, somehow I just refused to stop praying. Upon reflection, Jesus was indeed with me throughout the entire ordeal. Clearly He was there, but just not in the big miraculous "Angels coming down from heaven" sort of way that I wanted/ expected.

God is so merciful and He intervened in small and concrete ways that kept me on the right path. I have to admit that I am still a bit confused as to why He allowed this to happen. I feel as if I have been in a war and came out battle scarred. But I guess the important thing is that I survived. He honored my prayer to never let me go astray, ever again. And all I can do is to continue to walk in faith, learning to trust and to love God above all else, and fighting the good fight!

30 March 2011 Prayer

Lord God, in all humility, I claim your promise that YOU will allow me to enter in and take possession of the land that YOU are giving to me. Only YOU can allow this to happen.


I dedicate my entire life to YOU - and I ask that YOU may never let me go. Grant me the grace to obey all of your commandments. May I be pleasing to YOU and remain so for the rest of my life.

Shattered

Not even 24 hours after I wrote about "The Wall", God has shattered it for me. I cannot believe how fast He took away what felt like such a heavy load. One simple explanation from God, as I heard His voice when I attended the anticipated Saturday mass last week: "Satan is confounding you, because you will be my Minister." With those words, I immediately understood everything, and my entire yolk was lifted. I cannot express the happiness, exhilaration, and love that I feel for God right now. I feel as if I am going to burst!
 
Every single day since then, I can literally feel my heart beating for God. My prayer life is at a whole new level. I can't stop talking to God. I cannot stop thanking Him for every single thing that He has given to me. Thank you my Lord. I love you so much.

The Wall

Marathon runners talk about "The Wall". I haven't experienced it as I have yet to run my first marathon. But they say it feels like an anchor weighing you down. This is the closest description I can think of in expressing how my prayer life feels right now. I have tried different things, different methods, different times, different places. Nothing seems to be working.

The thing is, I know what the problem is. And hard as it may be to admit, it has to do with my inability to give up everything for Him. Why is it that it is easy to say that God is the most important thing that matters, yet many other things still do matter?

Runners get through "The Wall" eventually either through their training or their own strength of will. But my spiritual wall can only be overcome by God's grace and mercy. I cannot do this on my own.

The Gift of Life

Growing up with just one brother, I was always envious of my cousins who had big families. 4, 5, 6 children - It was something that I would never have in my own family. Years later, I asked my parents why they only had 2 children. They told me that they were controlling after my brother was born. But even when they weren't, another child just never came.

When I met my girlfriend (the person I was destined to marry), even she had 5 other siblings! Because of these circumstances, I wanted to have a big family! 6 children at the very least! Unfortunately, my wife only wanted 2 kids. What an impasse! But after much discussion with my wife, we eventually agreed on having 4. 

Our third child was born almost 7 years ago and I have to say that my wife was very good at 'delaying' the conception of our 4th child. It came to the point that it started to cause some conflict between the two of us. But after arriving in Australia 2 years ago, I slowly began to realise that perhaps it would in fact be more practical to keep things the way they were. It seemed like my wife was right after all.  God has blessed me with three wonderful, loving, and healthy children. How could I complain? Perhaps God changed my mind on the matter on the number of children I desired, much to the delight of my wife. This issue, which was at one time a very sensitive one, was now finally closed.

But apparently, God had a different plan for us. Out of His mercy and love for us, He has seen it fit to entrust us with a 4th child. How great is our God! I thank Him and praise Him for the great gift of life. But what makes this blessing even sweeter is the realisation that as I surrender my life to God, He is now taking control of it.

How to Pray?

Yesterday in front of the Blessed Sacrament I prayed - that I may learn how to pray. It seems that the more I pray, the more I seem to get confused as to how it really is to pray, or how I should be praying. Since I was young, I was taught how to pray using ACTS - Adoration, Contrition, Thanksgiving, and Supplication. And I have used this method for many years successfully. But up until recently, it no longer seems to feel right, at least not entirely - and I can't explain why.

I am aware of verbal prayer, meditation, contemplation, and rapture - I have read about these types of prayers. Over the past 2 weeks, I have tried to learn how to just be quiet in His presence. I visualize myself clinging to Jesus's feet and telling him one thing - "Teach me how to love You, ABOVE ALL." And I also visualize myself bowing before Mama Mary and asking her to "Have pity on me." Doing this has brought me much consolation, but something still seems to be missing.  Perhaps it is just me and my inability to properly focus on God. Or maybe Satan is just using my weaknesses to make me feel as if things aren't working out. Whatever it is, I have to admit that it is causing me much anxiety. But I need to remain steadfast. I know in my heart that if I remain faithful, God will resolve everything for me.  Thank you, my Father. I look forward to the day that you will calm my restless spirit. 

My Happy Place

Many years ago when I was in 1^st year High School in Manila, our religion teacher made us go through an exercise where we would all close our eyes and imagine ourselves in the place that we love the most. It was a really wonderful experience where I found myself in Maplewood, New Jersey in the house of my Uncle and Aunt. Placing myself in their front yard near the driveway, all my senses were tingling as I felt myself breathing the fresh air, enjoying the warmth of the sunlight, the coolness of the breeze, the color of the grass and the trees and the flowers, and of course the smell of Maple wood. I felt serene. 

Throughout the years I have had many ‘happy places’ in New Jersey, Manila, West Covina, Ann Arbor, and Sydney. But my Uncle’s house in Maplewood seems to have always stood out above the rest. That is, until today.

This morning I was sitting quietly trying to just be with God. I prayed to God to help me learn how to meditate and just be with Him. More specifically, I asked God to help me learn how to pray to the Blessed Sacrament. I then imagined myself in front of the Blessed Sacrament in my parish here in Stanhope Gardens. IMMEDIATELY, I felt all of my senses tingling in the same way that happened before when I would think of Maplewood. Once again, I felt the serenity and tranquility but now, the place was in a different country thousands of miles away from New Jersey.

I smiled, and my heart was filled with peace. I have a new happy place.